


Dear Janet

by Melime



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Epistolary, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 22:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6132928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Dear Janet,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>This is silly and I don’t understand why it’s supposed to help. I’m not writing to you, you won’t read this because you are dead. You are dead and this doesn’t matter.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Janet

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Querida Janet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6132931) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Written for the [femtropebingo](http://femtropebingo.tumblr.com/), epistolary. My first epistolary, it was a bit weird to write.

_Dear Janet,_

_This is silly and I don’t understand why it’s supposed to help. I’m not writing to you, you won’t read this because you are dead. You are dead and this doesn’t matter. There’s nothing I can do to feel better about this. Writing a letter won’t made me stop grieving, it won’t help. What am I even supposed to tell you?_

_I wish you weren’t dead. You shouldn’t have been there. You shouldn’t have died such a pointless death. It isn’t fair._

_It doesn’t matter, because I can’t really tell you any of those things, and I can’t change what happened._

_Samantha Carter_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I lied today at work. We were supposed to write a letter to help us cope with your death, but I couldn’t risk writing my true feelings and allowing anyone else to read them. I wonder if that’s the reason why it didn’t work. I kept thinking that I owe it to you to try to do this right. So I’m doing it, but I still don’t see why. I’ll burn it once I’m done, so you don’t have to worry about me taking any risks. Not that you can worry about anything anymore, since you are gone._

_There’s so much that I regret not telling you, and some things that I wished I said more often. I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I didn’t say that enough. I love you, and I should have fought for you. I should never have decided that you weren’t worth the risk to my career because you were. You were worth that and so much more. I’m sorry it took me losing you to realize that, but you were the best thing in my life._

_I told Cass. I thought she should hear it from me. She cried in my arms, and I cried too. And then she told me she knew about us. That you never told her, but she knew, and she couldn’t understand why we separated. Coming to think of it, I can’t understand either. I can’t understand the logic that lead us to decide we didn’t want to live like that anyone._

_Now that you are gone, I realize that I would do anything to see you again, and I’ll forever regret that I wasted the last months of your life. I love you, and I regret every moment of my life I wasted not proving that to you._

_Forever yours,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I didn’t cry today, but the pain is still here. I fear it will always be here, but life carries own. I have to keep working, if I don’t have work, I don’t have anything anymore. I can’t let anyone at work know how much I’m suffering, I have to grieve for a friend, not for an ex-lover. Although you were that too, my friend, you were always my friend don’t matter what._

_I don’t know if writing the other letter helped or not, but this makes me feel connected to you, in a way I’m not anymore. I don’t want to lose this connection. I’m not ready not to have you in my life._

_It’s so strange to have a physical without you there. There’s something fundamentally wrong about that. It’s just a detail, but it hurts like reopening the wound. I wish I didn’t have to be reminded of your absence like this. I wish I could forget, and then I hate myself for wishing this. I love you so much, I don’t want that to be taken away._

_Forever yours,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I miss you, I miss the way I could talk with you the way I can’t talk with anyone else. I miss being able to be myself around you more than I miss you in my bed, and that’s something I would never have imagined. I miss my friend._

_Somethings changed since I lost you. We sent an expedition to another galaxy and Jack is now running the SGC. We are still fighting and Earth is still in danger. Everything changes and everything remains the same. It would be funny, if it didn’t make things seem so pointless. You died, and it changed nothing, it served no purpose. I wish you were here, but you aren’t, and I can’t do anything about it._

_Forever yours,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I almost married Pete. I was so afraid of being alone after I lost you, that I almost made a decision that could have ruined the rest of my life. See, that’s why I need you here. You kept me grounded. You wouldn’t have let me go through with it. God, Janet, I need you back._

_With love,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I saw you today. Not you, but the closest I’ll ever get. She was from an alternate reality, and I don’t even know if her Sam loved her because I couldn’t stand to talk to her, not really talk. I know there are realities out there in which you are still alive, but that seems so hard to believe, not just because I don’t have you here with me, but because I’ve come to believe that you are unique. In all those realities, I doubt there’s a single Janet out there that could replace you. I haven’t told Cass about that, and I won’t. It’s better this way, because that woman wasn’t you. And no one can replace you._

_With love,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_You would like the new SG-1. I’m still here, even though I kept trying to leave, kept trying to dedicate myself to research. Daniel and Teal’c are here too, but we have some new faces. I think you would like Vala, she’s becoming a good friend. And Cam’s the one who brought all of us together, so I think you would like him at least because of that. It’s so strange that you never even knew some of the most important people in my life. It makes me wonder if one day I’ll become someone you wouldn’t recognize._

_With love,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I don’t even know why I’m doing this anymore. I suppose I just wanted to be able to tell you, even if I’m not, anymore. I’m going to lead Atlantis, can you believe that? It’s an amazing opportunity. I wish you could have come with me._

_Sometimes, entire days pass without me thinking of you. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I still love you, I think part of me always will._

_With love,  
Sam_

_\---_

_Dear Janet,_

_I haven’t written one of these in a while, but today is a special day. I wish you were here to see it. Today, I could have asked you to marry me. Can you believe this? This made a lot of couples in the SGC happy, same with the Atlantis expedition. Seeing all these people celebrating made me think of you. I would have liked to marry you, but I did as you told me, and I moved on._

_I still love you, I always will, but I think I’m ready to keep going without you, although I almost wish I wasn’t._

_Goodbye,_  
Sam  



End file.
